{"id":9462,"date":"2026-08-03T15:56:59","date_gmt":"2026-08-03T15:56:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wellnessfirst365.com\/?p=9462"},"modified":"2026-08-03T15:56:59","modified_gmt":"2026-08-03T15:56:59","slug":"hilarious-humor-for-a-love-that-lasts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wellnessfirst365.com\/?p=9462","title":{"rendered":"Hilarious Humor for a Love That Lasts"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Marriage is a winding journey of love, laughter and compromise.<\/p>\n

And of those inexplicable decisions your partner makes about what they want to eat or how to best load the dishwasher.<\/p>\n

Today \u2013 about a week from my own 11th wedding day \u2013 I want to celebrate that by sharing 101 of the most relatable, witty and funny marriage quotes.<\/p>\n

I hope you\u2019ll find something that will make you and partner laugh and will give friends and family some good ideas to use for a wedding toast or an anniversary card.<\/p>\n

Funny Marriage Quotes That Will Make You Laugh<\/h2>\n

\"A<\/p>\n

\u201cI love being married. It\u2019s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.\u201d\u2013 Rita Rudner<\/p>\n

\u201cKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.\u201d\u2013 Benjamin Franklin<\/p>\n

\u201cMarrying a man is like buying something you\u2019ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn\u2019t always go with everything else in the house.\u201d\u2013 Jean Kerr<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.\u201d\u2013 Chris Rock<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?\u201d\u2013 Groucho Marx<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.\u201d\u2013 Jerry Seinfeld<\/p>\n

\u201cGetting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.\u201d\u2013 Mae West<\/p>\n

\u201cBy all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you\u2019ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you\u2019ll become a philosopher.\u201d\u2013 Socrates<\/p>\n

\u201cOne should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.\u201d\u2013 Oscar Wilde<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.\u201d\u2013 Abraham Lincoln<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I\u2019ll get married again.\u201d\u2013 Clint Eastwood<\/p>\n

\u201cMy most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.\u201d\u2013 Winston Churchill<\/p>\n

\u201cThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.\u201d\u2013 Henny Youngman<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.\u201d\u2013 Will Ferrell<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen a man opens a car door for his wife, it\u2019s either a new car or a new wife.\u201d\u2013 Prince Philip<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won\u2019t drink from my glass.\u201d\u2013 Rodney Dangerfield<\/p>\n

\u201cIf love means never having to say you\u2019re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.\u201d\u2013 Estelle Getty<\/p>\n

\u201cI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.\u201d\u2013 Groucho Marx<\/p>\n

\u201cAll my friends are getting married. I guess I\u2019m just at that age where people give up.\u201d\u2013 Amy Schumer<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.\u201d\u2013 Ambrose Bierce<\/p>\n

\u201cThe trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing \u2013 and then marry him.\u201d\u2013 Cher<\/p>\n

Short and Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings<\/h2>\n

\u201cLove is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.\u201d\u2013 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.\u201d\u2013 Evelyn Hendrickson<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were married for better or worse. I couldn\u2019t have done better and she couldn\u2019t have done worse.\u201d\u2013 Henny Youngman<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage: A word which should be pronounced \u2018mirage\u2019.\u201d\u2013 Herbert Spencer<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.\u201d\u2013 Rory Elder<\/p>\n

\u201cA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.\u201d\u2013 Zsa Zsa Gabor<\/p>\n

\u201cLove is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.\u201d\u2013 Pauline Thomason<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is a blast. Like a bomb.\u201d\u2013 Julieanne O\u2019Connor<\/p>\n

\u201cA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.\u201d\u2013 Michel de Montaigne<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage should be a duet \u2013 when one sings, the other claps.\u201d\u2013 Joe Murray<\/p>\n

\u201cAll marriages are happy. It\u2019s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.\u201d\u2013 Raymond Hull<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is nature\u2019s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.\u201d\u2013 Alan King<\/p>\n

\u201cAll men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.\u201d\u2013 Red Skelton<\/p>\n

\u201cA man doesn\u2019t know what happiness is until he\u2019s married. By then it\u2019s too late.\u201d\u2013 Frank Sinatra<\/p>\n

\u201cA good wife always forgives her husband when she\u2019s wrong.\u201d\u2013 Milton Berle<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you\u2019re in love, it\u2019s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.\u201d\u2013 Richard Lewis<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.\u201d\u2013 St. Jerome<\/p>\n

\u201cIf love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?\u201d\u2013 Lily Tomlin<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is grand \u2013 and divorce? Well, it\u2019s around twenty grand.\u201d\u2013 Jay Leno<\/p>\n

\u201cWho won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.\u201d\u2013 Chip Gaines<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.\u201d\u2013 Irwin Corey<\/p>\n

Relatable and Funny Marriage Quotes for Cards and Celebrations<\/h2>\n

\u201cI married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.\u201d\u2013 Cameron Esposito<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.\u201d\u2013 Jack Benny<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness \u2013 and call it love \u2013 true love.\u201d\u2013 Robert Fulghum<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that\u2019s a few steps ahead is the one that\u2019s mad.\u201d\u2013 Helen Rowland<\/p>\n

\u201cTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you\u2019re wrong, admit it; whenever you\u2019re right, shut up.\u201d\u2013 Ogden Nash<\/p>\n

\u201cWomen marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.\u201d\u2013 Albert Einstein<\/p>\n

\u201cFor marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.\u201d\u2013 Catherine Zeta-Jones<\/p>\n

\u201cBehind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.\u201d\u2013 Jim Carrey<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age \u2013 as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.\u201d\u2013 Phyllis Diller<\/p>\n

\u201cHusband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.\u201d\u2013 Stephanie Ortiz<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: Husband!\u201d\u2013 Bill Maher<\/p>\n

\u201cJust found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called Fifty Shades of Just Okay.\u201d\u2013 Conan O\u2019Brien<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.\u201d\u2013 Molly McNearney<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife had us register for fine china. Because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.\u201d\u2013 Jim Gaffigan<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now\u2026 once he opened the car door for me in the last four years \u2013 we were on the freeway at the time.\u201d\u2013 Joan Rivers<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife is really sentimental. One Valentine\u2019s Day, I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside: Made in Taiwan.\u201d\u2013 Leopold Fechtner<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like to publicly thank my husband for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day.\u201d\u2013 Kristen Bell<\/p>\n

\u201cI am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too \u2013 for being married so many times.\u201d\u2013 Elizabeth Taylor<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.\u201d\u2013 Cindy Garner<\/p>\n

\u201cWe always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.\u201d\u2013 Henny Youngman<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to get married again because I\u2019m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.\u201d\u2013 Wendy Liebman<\/p>\n

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds<\/h2>\n

\u201cI\u2019m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.\u201d\u2013 Fiona Shaw<\/p>\n

\u201cObviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.\u201d\u2013 Chelsea Handler<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.\u201d\u2013 Katharine Hepburn<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife didn\u2019t take my name, which isn\u2019t weird, but what\u2019s weird is when people think it\u2019s weird, like we\u2019re on a first-name basis anyway.\u201d\u2013 Mark Agee<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she\u2019s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it\u2019s working.\u201d\u2013 Justin Timberlake<\/p>\n

\u201cI have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one\u2019s wife happy. First, let her think she\u2019s having her own way. And second, let her have it.\u201d\u2013 Lyndon B. Johnson<\/p>\n

\u201cAlways get married in the morning. That way if it doesn\u2019t work out, you haven\u2019t wasted the whole day.\u201d\u2013 Mickey Rooney<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn\u2019t even have when you were on your own.\u201d\u2013 Eddie Cantor<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can\u2019t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can\u2019t sleep with the window open.\u201d\u2013 George Bernard Shaw<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings\u2026 and lawyers.\u201d\u2013 Richard Pryor<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is give and take. You\u2019d better give it to her or she\u2019ll take it anyway.\u201d\u2013 Joey Adams<\/p>\n

\u201cNever ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what\u2019s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?\u201d\u2013 Dennis Miller<\/p>\n

\u201cThe two most important words in marriage for me are \u2018yes, dear.’\u201d\u2013 Eric Close<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.\u201d\u2013 Rob Delaney<\/p>\n

\u201cMusic played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle.\u201d\u2013 Heinrich Heine<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is an adventure, like going to war.\u201d\u2013 Gilbert K. Chesterton<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I\u2019m like, \u2018Why are you in here?\u2019 And he\u2019s like, \u2018I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’\u201d\u2013 Michelle Obama<\/p>\n

\u201cA bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.\u201d\u2013 Helen Rowland<\/p>\n

Hilarious Marriage Quotes on Love That Lasts<\/h2>\n

\u201cI love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?\u201d\u2013 Jean Illsley Clarke<\/p>\n

\u201cNever feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.\u201d\u2013 Jean Rostand<\/p>\n

\u201cWe got married: society\u2019s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.\u201d\u2013 George Cockcroft<\/p>\n

\u201cA happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.\u201d\u2013 Andr\u00e9 Maurois<\/p>\n

\u201cSome people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.\u201d\u2013 Henny Youngman<\/p>\n

\u201cIn every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.\u201d\u2013 Ruth Bader Ginsburg<\/p>\n

\u201cA marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.\u201d\u2013 Terry Pratchett<\/p>\n

\u201cA successful marriage requires falling in love many times \u2013 always with the same person.\u201d\u2013 Mignon McLaughlin<\/p>\n

\u201cRemember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.\u201d\u2013 H. Jackson Brown, Jr.<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.\u201d\u2013 Ogden Nash<\/p>\n

\u201cThe best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they\u2019re too old to do it.\u201d\u2013 Anne Bancroft<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.\u201d\u2013 Dr. Joyce Brothers<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter about 15 years I finally figured out that she\u2019s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.\u201d\u2013 Barack Obama<\/p>\n

\u201cBeing a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.\u201d\u2013 Jerry Seinfeld<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes, marriage seems to be just texting each other \u2018what do you want for dinner?\u2019 back and forth until one of you dies.\u201d\u2013 Sarah Kelly<\/p>\n

\u201cI was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that\u2019s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn\u2019t have that kind of time to train somebody else.\u201d\u2013 Steve Skrovan<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife is a psychologist\u2026 Not only does she know when I\u2019m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I\u2019m being.\u201d\u2013 Lee Judge<\/p>\n

\u201cMake sure you have date night even if it\u2019s once in a blue moon because most of the time you\u2019re just too tired and you\u2019d actually prefer to sleep.\u201d\u2013 Chris Hemsworth<\/p>\n

\u201cAn archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.\u201d\u2013 Agatha Christie<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage has no guarantees. If that\u2019s what you\u2019re looking for, go live with a car battery.\u201d\u2013 Erma Bombeck<\/p>\n

Want more laughs and inspiration about love?<\/strong> Then check out these funny wedding quotes, the hilarious love quotes here and also this one with short love quotes.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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